Identity

How does one define one's self? Over the past years I have been questioning who I am, and what exactly is me. I have now come to realize pretty much who I am as an individual recently.

Looking back on the past-- this last year in particular --I have seen my follies and have learned upon those very instances. Such mistakes as the desire to "fit in," and even change myself as a person to do so. It was the drive to be what I thought was "cool" (I apologize if this sounds like a P.S.A.) that forced me to not be who I truly was. This being, hanging out with people who made me just feel awkward, dressing and acting like someone I wasn't, trying so hard to fit in that I changed things about myself as a person --all just to make people like me.

A majority of this feigning was my sexuality. As long as I can remember, I have known I was gay. Of course, I kept this as a deep secret for fear of in-acceptance and overwhelmingly: fear. This past year I, somewhat, came out as being bi-sexual. Honestly, looking back on this, I truly regret just not fully saying to everyone, "Hey, I'm GAY! Now, who's down for lunch?" I feel now that the reason I did not flat out come out was because some odd reasoning I thought well, if I say I'm bi-sexual, people will accept that. This worked out for about, oh, a week; then I began to realize that this was a lie, and that someday, somehow people had to know and I couldn't go on being something I wasn't. And, eventually, that day did come. Now most-- if not all --my friends and one family member know the truth.

I am very proud to say that after announcing this, I have, at last, felt liberated to be myself. I recently feel that I can think what I think, dress how I dress, listen to whatever the hell I want to, and be my own being mainly without fear or influences. If there's anything that I've learned from this past year, and from my past experiences, it's that to never be anyone but who I am, and, dammit Josh is who Josh is!